Try These On For Size

I didn't leave home this morning intending to buy jeans, but the pair I was wearing (and all the pairs I have at home) are fading fast. I've worn through the inner thighs and they've been patched up and now I'm going through the patches.  My inner thigh flesh oozes out like sausage escaping its casing in other pairs. My thighs rub together and I walk A LOT. They really have started making jeans differently. Something with the inner seams... but whatever. Point is, I ended up at Express. I know my size and the cut and don't have to try anything on.


Not today! Their Eva (which used to be Curvy fit, Regular Rise) are still Curvy fit, but now run in Mid-Rise. I stay away from low rise, because they're too low to cover my rise. I took down my 10 Short off the shelf and they did look a little smaller than I remembered. Luckily I decided to try them on. I had "my" camera with me because I was taking photos in Central Park earlier. I set the timer and got to changing and trying. Trying. One pair, the CURVY couldn't even go all the way up. 


The Stella fit... like a pair of leggings. No thanks. The floor attendant approached me and asked if everything fit OK. I explained to him my "dilemma". I showed him that the pair of jeans I was wearing were Express jeans and didn't fit at all like the ones I tried on and said they must've changed the cut of the jean slightly. After he listened to me, we decided I should try size 12. He called back to the stockroom and no they didn't have 12 Short. I figured I could just get my friend to hem them for me.





Back to the dressing rooms I went with 2 pairs of 12 Regular. "What I look like wearing these things?" I pondered with my mouth pushed to one side. Those weren't gonna work either. I didn't even bother trying on the other pair.

I sent a text to my would-be seamstress friend while I strolled down Broadway, the drizzle further dampening my mood. I was too verklempt to even open my umbrella. I ducked into H&M to pick up a top or 3 to raise my spirits but was further disoriented by their new fun-house-like design and mannequins with eyelashes that I left that store empty-handed too. (The following is a verbatim transcription. Please keep any comments about grammar and spelling to yourself)--

Me: I went to Express & couldnt find any jeans that fit. I think they changed their cuts. Im rather dejected.

Her: My dear. Pick ur chin up and head over to old navy. Their doing a whole booty campaign.

Me: :-D

Her: U may also want to check out the EXTENSIVE denim collection in macy's.

Her: Lol. Also. If u like any jean in macy's, write down the brand b/c they may be sold elsewhere cheaper.

Me: True DKNY & Guess used to fit me. Ugh. Another day though. That's a lot of trying on. I gotta be mentally prepared.

Her: I agree

Her: And as much as I hate the extra shit they do, a lot of the "urban" jeans fit extremely well.

Me: Yeah. I had a pair of Fubu back in the day. Dangerous.

Me: Ok. Im feeling better now. Got a game plan. Thanks!

Her: Ur very welcome

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. I'll go jeans shopping another day. With the camera? I know not. Returning to my "urban" jeans roots. I live with and love my size 8 waist and size 12 thighs.  Even when I was smaller, I had the same shape. My jeans bunch up at the waist or stick out from under my belt in the back. The clothing designers need to catch up. Don't they want my money? I'll buy the jeans if you make a pair that fit. I swear. Until then, enjoy the rest of the images from my early morning Central Park Stroll and the dressing room.

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