Ask Abbie: My Wife, Masturbation Or Cheating?

11 years together. 9 years of very little sex. Now on the verge of stepping out on his wife, who is pregnant, for the first time...

 

Empty-inside Ed Asks:

Hi. Ok this is kind of weird but i will give it a try...

I'm 33. Been married 6 years, but have been living with my wife for 11 years. We have a young son and she is pregnant again. Love her, love the family etc.

Anyway, the only issue that comes between my wife and I is sex. I want a lot of it, she could care less. It's been that way after our first 2 years together. The beginning of our relationship was great sex-wise. But now we're entering into year 9 of slim-pickings. 

Also, I'm into things I could never ask my wife to do so I feel really oppressed. We've been going to marriage counseling for over a year (we both had some post-partum blues after our son was born and sought help) and we only touch on sex now and again in the sessions. So that's not helping. 

I'm embarrassed to say this, and my wife doesn't know or appreciate this fact, but masturbation has been keeping me going and maybe keeping me faithful. 

I never have cheated on my wife. But last week for some reason, I got an idea in my head and started reading through the casual encounters on craigslist. That led to me posting an ad. And now I've been getting responses and chatting. I actually have a meeting set up for next Tuesday. 

I don't know if I'll go through with it or not. I shake when replying to these people. I have a lot of body issues but I'm able to tell these girls upfront and they accept my perceived flaws (and that kind of acceptance excites me). Just not sure what to do. I am at a serious crossroads. And I am well aware I put myself in this situation. 

Do I cheat to feed my urges or do I keep living my same empty, vanilla sex life? It's not going to get any better in the foreseeable future - not with a baby. And despite asking and suggesting other things she can do besides vaginal intercourse to get me by..she doesn't. 

Thoughts??

Ask Abbie Answers:

It's a good sign that you're in marriage counseling. You need to bring up sex in your sessions. Don't wait for the therapist or your wife to do it. You're in therapy to work through the issues and the lack of sex and intimacy is an issue for you. You have to address the emptiness you're experiencing. You said the sex during the first 2 years of the relationship was good. During the first 2 years of your relationship, did your wife do the things (other than vaginal intercourse) that you want and then suddenly stop? Did something happen between you and your wife at that 2-year mark? Perhaps something happened with her? She may be depressed. Her postpartum depression may never have fully gone away. Ask her about that. If she doesn't want to talk about it or gets defensive when you bring it up, bring it up in a counseling session -- the therapist might have a way of getting to the root of the issue.

Has your body issues affected your sex life? Are the sexual things you're requesting of your wife indicative of your body issues? Masturbating is nothing to be embarrassed about. People who are happy with their sex lives masturbate too so that's not anything for you to be ashamed about. It's providing pleasure and a release for you. 

You're considering cheating because you're seeking something that is missing in your marriage and right now, the people you are communicating with are making you happy. But you're also nervous and shaking when you email the women you might meet because it's new, exciting, and scary. You're not a bad person for wanting to be happy. But since you're in counseling, use that outlet to get everything out in the open. Don't go another 9 years unhappy.

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