Random Musings On Visiting Friends

Does the first thing you see in the morning set the tone for the entire day? That coffee table landscape (pictured above) was the first thing I saw when I woke up on a Monday morning a few weeks ago. I felt around for my phone and took that photo.


So glad my friend followed up with an email; I didn't receive his text message because my phone was disconnected. An invite to dinner at his place on Sunday evening. One of his friends I'd met last summer at the beach, a Cajun, was there with his wife. We drank wine, studied the fifth guest's Bio-jewelry, ribbed each other and played Uno. Then there were three.

Year 2

Just taking a quick break to acknowledge that I've had this blog for 2 years! February 23, 2009, I decided to take my thoughts off Facebook notes and post them on a blog.

It's been a semi-consistent sounding board. I'm having more success with it now since I've told myself too. Last year, I missed my anniversary by one day as well (I didn't even remember it was my blog anniversary). I mused about my racist vagina on that day. A few days later, I do remember stating I'd have to write an addendum to that post because since then, I've been able to overlook my recent "preferences".

I'd like to thank those that muse along with me -- the visitors from Canada, United Kingdom, Nigeria, Ghana, India, Germany, Turkey, The Netherlands, Denmark, Japan, Italy, France, Poland, Russia, South Korea, South Africa, Kenya and Australia. I'm sorry if I didn't list your country here; I know there have been visitors from other countries. I thank you all! And please let me know where you're from when you stop by. I hope to visit many of your homelands in the near future (the actual me not the "other" me's)!

Aint that something? My blog is a Pisces. That's my Ascending (Rising) sign...

Have any favorites of my Random Musings? Any of them touch you, or serve their purpose of making you think? After my Reboot, there's no telling what I'll get into and what I'll blog about!

I'm Giving It Up

We're facing the last few weeks of summer and quite possibly hot, torrid summer affairs. For my readers in the Southern Hemisphere, I'm sure you're enjoying the canoodling on cold winter nights...


Now believe it or not, I don't have any new stories to share about summer love, romance or lust. But I'd love to hear yours! Did you meet someone new? Spice up a long-term relationship? Platonic friendship evolve into something more? Have a cyber relationship? Experience a great one-night stand? Break any furniture?


Leave a comment for a chance to win a signed copy of my book, The Darker Side of Lust and your choice of a 4x6 print from my Man. Toy. photo series.


Share as much or as little as you'd like but include the following fun details: city and state (US only), country, astrological sign (Western, Vedic or Chinese) of you and your partner(s).


If you're entering the giveaway and already have a copy -- tell us your favorite story from The Darker Side of Lust.

The winner will be chosen on September 6, 2010 (Labor/Labour Day in US & Canada).

    

Casual Sex Is Still Dead

Nowadays when I have sex, I do a lot of thinking afterwards. I’ve come to realize it’s a sign of growth. Early on in my sexual life, I had an on-to-the-next-one mentality. I rarely looked back. The sex itself was the beginning and the end of the experience with that person. If I had hooked up with a friend, we remained friends but that didn’t mean we remained sexual partners.

Last year, I wrote The Death of Casual Sex and yes, it’s still dead. The older something gets the deader it gets; makes sense, no? Let me explain.

Single Occupancy Lifestyle

I’ve been single for almost 3 years. I’m always on the go. It’s nice to be busy. And living in New York there’s always something to do and some place to go. I love going places. I invite friends along but with all the flakes, scaredy-cats and unknowingly depressed folks, I end up going out alone. Believe it or not, going out by myself is easy. It’s not sad or lonely or scary. I’m always bound to meet someone. If not a new friend, a new person-of-the-moment. My single life doesn’t mean I’m going to sit around waiting to be in a relationship before I do anything. Depending on where I’m going, I get a high off being in a new place. What’s going to happen? Who’s going to make me laugh? It’s my experience. If you don’t want to come along, I’ll tell you about it later as you gaze at me with envy.

When I was at my lowest and most unhappy, I was staying home, missing out on things I wanted to do because my other half didn’t want to go. The mistakes young people make…

The Journey Home

One of my favorite songs of all time is U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. I love the sound but I also identify with the message. Not in a religious sense though. But I’m still looking… I want to know about you and I. I love to listen. When someone speaks to me, I’m listening to their words and how they say those words. I love face-to-face conversations so I can hear what you tell me with your eyes, raise of your eyebrow, flare of your nostril, flick of your tongue. I have been known to play Devil’s Advocate quite a bit with my questions and I like to think it’s because of my ability to see all sides of a situation. It also encourages someone to tap into their passion when they have to defend their views, or it’s eye-opening and can stop someone in their tracks.


As I get older, the words I choose to describe myself have become more paradoxical, as have I; I am fluid, stubborn, opinionated, open-minded, empathetic, objective. There are times that I have to just disappear for a while to totally process the stimulus bombarding me on a daily basis. I am a sponge. I soak up knowledge but I also absorb others’ essences; their mannerisms, their mood, their energy. I was born a woman. I have the ability to accept and take people in and the ability to birth creations. I am intuitively aware when someone just needs the presence of another human being. That’s why I love to hug and touch and kiss. It’s unfortunate that many people aren’t comfortable in the presence of other people. Touch scares them or repulses them. I would die, literally, spiritually, if I couldn’t connect with other people.


So what’s my purpose? What am I looking for? Not sure. But I think it has something to do with healing, putting myself and my brothers and sisters at ease with themselves and their emotions and to spread positive vibes. Something like that. Like I said, I didn’t find it yet. I had a great talk with a friend last night who said he’s “going home.” What he meant was he’s going home to Africa. He’s very Pro-Black and knows that Africa is where he belongs. As I watched him say that, there was an unbelievable sense of peace that came over him.

I’m going home


We’re all trying to go home. To know someone who knows what their purpose on this earth is and to seek it is amazing and beautiful. He’s beautiful. I can’t help but love that. 

BA, MS, PhD, LiFE

Education is important, right? I do agree that there are certain professions that I expect to be comprised of well-educated professionals; doctors (with working and current knowledge of anatomy & physiology as well as the allied health professionals), lawyers (law is pretty much a book-based profession) and teachers (you have to know in order to teach). But how many small business owners need an MBA to be successful? And creative professionals are definitely split on whether a degree is necessary. I’ve never been formally trained as a writer. I thought about getting a MFA but still haven’t followed through. I’ve had conversations with photographers I’ve worked with who say classes they’ve taken “slowed them down” or “stifled them”.


My love of the human body, medicine, trauma, surgery, etc would require a return to the classroom to pursue that career. I feel like I’ve done my time – Kindergarten + 12 years + 4 years in college with graduate credits. I can’t sit in another classroom, take another test, write another paper or do another group presentation. If you told me I could skip all that, go right into my internship or residency and work side-by-side with an ER physician and become a doctor, I’d sign-up yesterday. I’m always interested in my fellow man’s story. I can imagine how many of them started out bagging groceries, washing cars or hustling and became successful (however you interpret that word) without ever having to raise their hand to answer a question. It’s impressive. Not that they took the easy way or the right way, just that there’s more than one way.


What I do know is that it’s never too late. When I’m 50, I may decide it’s time to start something new and I’ll have that opportunity. Hopefully, I’ll be able to afford that education. I used to wonder what a liberal arts degree was. Didn’t those folks want to do anything? Didn’t they have a passion for something? And now I question how many graduates use their specialized degrees? Sure you’re educated but how educated a decision is it to spend thousands of dollars and years of your life that you won’t reap the benefits of? I’m not knocking formal education completely. Early childhood education is important. You have to learn 1+1, language, develop reasoning skills and not to mention the social skills learned in school but I’ve learned A LOT in the years since I left school. Life is quite the teacher if you live it. I still have a thirst for learning, because I’m still asking questions.

Financial Orgasm

“I’m living on less but I’m living more” - Dr. Phil subway ad


I read those words while I was traveling on the uptown B train one Tuesday night. And I totally identified with the statement. I’ve never been money-hungry or the gold-digging type. What is important is that I’m able to afford the necessities; that my fridge and cupboards are never bare, that I can treat myself to the occasional splurge and just be able to enjoy this rather expensive city of New York, without spending a lot. Simply put, comfort is always my goal.


My financial situation changed drastically in 2006, for the worse. It is so important for women to have money of their own that only they have access to and to manage it. And please stop giving your money to men (been watching Judge Judy and my man Judge Joe Brown)! A friend and I recently spoke about the all too important Fuck-you fund. That’s the stash of money you got for when shit go down and you gotta be on your own overnight. I’m finally rebuilding mine. My Fuck-you fund disappeared when the dude I was done fucking and was gonna fucking leave fucked me over and ran off with my fucking money. I’ve been playing catch up ever since. 2007 and most of 2008 I held back. That’s not Abigail.


Aside from building that fund, I’m saving in an ING account. I didn’t need a minimum amount to open with and in less than a month I saved $300. That’s $3600 by the end of the year. That’s a huge deal considering I was recently laid off. I am livING not just existING. It’s amazing how much more confident you feel when you know you have money to “fall back on.” I’m putting my travel wings back on, got my comfy shoes ready for my walks. I’m even considering looking into a career in advertising, PR or event planning because apparently my ability to persuade, sell, and bring people together has only merely been tapped into, and as you can see, I’m not above shameless plugs.


I also make wise “investments” and take smart “risks” (I haven’t tackled the stock market yet) Money spent on professional organization memberships will pay off. I still have two 401Ks from two of my past jobs that are slowly growing. The most clever and powerful statement I heard recently was from Suze Orman during a show I happened to come across airing on PBS. One of the mottos women need to live by is: I am not on sale.


Aside for these random essays and social commentaries I can’t help but write my writing is not free. Pay me what I’m worth. I do take the occasional free assignment only if it’s going to pay off big in the long run. If I don’t receive any monetary compensation the barter must be appropriate. I also create art with my body. That comes at a price as well. Once you start asking for what you’re worth and not accepting any less the money (in whatever form) will start rolling in.


Living on less but living more… and getting off on it every time.

The Death of Casual Sex

In the 10 or so years I’ve had a sex life, I’ve been with a fair number of dudes. Ya’ll don’t need an actual number but it’s less than 100 and enough to learn from. And as a yougin, it was always fun, carefree and casual. But in this day and age, is sex really casual anymore? Do people actually want casual sex?


I genuinely liked a few of the guys along the way, so I let them in. And that’s the way it should be. Get to know him. Make sure he respects me and doesn’t treat me like a game. We can play all the games and use all the toys we want when the time is right, but to get to that level of intimacy and comfort you have to like someone, know someone or just click instantly.


I’m getting up in years. I still have the supple, taut body of a 28 year old, but I think my spirit is 62. Experiences and past lives. I’ve been lucky and survived all my sexual adventures; the goal being to let them in without them leaving anything behind. But I’ve learned from every experience. I was cool with the idea of "friends with benefits", but you gotta be friends, duh. I was fine with never calling someone again and sometimes got annoyed if they called me (don’t dare text me the morning after). If I did talk to them or see them again and they start spewing phrases like, “When can I see you again?”, “You bring me joy”, “I really like you”, I would question whether this guy ever had sex before!


For me, the time between each romp has grown. I still twitch and get irritable if I enter states of celibacy longer than 2 weeks but it’s more important for me to actually want to be with him instead of just being horny. It all boils down to having a connection. All this damn texting limits connecting and people use it as a buffer; they hide behind it. Then they get upset or hurt when all they get in return is a text after having sex, or what they thought was a connection, with someone. Folks jump from partner to partner because they want to connect with someone. The further we get from each other and only rely on text messages or IM to communicate, the more we crave true human interaction. We end up in bed together at super speed, with an orgasm (hopefully), yet still left unsatisfied.


You’re thinking of someone right now. Call them. Schedule a hug.