Ask Abbie: Is it OK to Hold Her Hand?

(Source)

Souls connecting... so why not hold hands?

Hand-Holding Harry:

Hey i need your advice ..it's something personal.
I am married but stay alone in US.
I met a friend who is single.
I have a strong affection towards her and she feels that there is some connection of souls when we meet or talk.
I am 40 years Asian. She is Asian too..may be early 30s.
How can i tell her that I like her and I feel to sit with her at a cafe or watch a movie
and hold hands together...not really looking for sex..
pls advice how to approach...

Why I Locked Them All Down

Back in the Saddle

Photograph by Daniel Dolpire

I think I made a huge mistake.


I jumped the gun when I locked down Boy Toy. Oxy is a helluva drug.


I wasn't wrong in locking him down. My mistake was thinking I'd want to lock him and only him down.

Ask Abbie: You Say He's Just A Friend

Am I More Than A Friend Asks:

I'm a well established young woman with an ok job, good man and decent social life. I've always prided myself in keeping good company and my current closest friend Paul defines that. He's great to hang out with, chat on the phone, and comforts or cheers me up when needed. Sounds great doesn't it?

I should be happy but I feel guilty. The other day I had an issue at work and as soon as I got home, I called Paul. Not my boyfriend. Paul. I'm starting to feel like I'm cheating on my boyfriend. I don't sneak around with Paul, and nothing's happened but I rarely bring up my convos with Paul to my boyfriend (sometimes he doesn't even know what's going on). I love my boyfriend and we talk, emote, communicate, etc all the time but I still don't have with him what I have with Paul. Did I kid myself into thinking I could be platonic with a man? Should I have expected this?

DJ Abbie Debut (Recap)

Ten days removed from my DJing debut. I've since come down off the high to the point that I haven't listened to music since. Which is astonishing for me. But I guess, subconsciously, my body and brain knew a detox was needed. I had a lot of fun controlling a room with music. In the weeks leading up to it, I organized most of my "world" music onto one playlist to make it easy. Then I organized them based on their sound or the mood they set. It's all about mood for me.

Random Communications During Hurricane Sandy

Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY, October 30, 2012, the morning after Hurricane Sandy

On Monday, October 29, 2012, Hurricane Sandy made landfall in New Jersey. The  post-tropical superstorm (it was no longer a hurricane at that point) had joined forces with a Nor'easter and was generating blizzards, torrential downfalls, winds up to 100 miles per hour and very impressive and destructive storm surges, which were made even worse by the full moon, along the Eastern seaboard of the US.

The Wow Factor of Synchronicity

I finished reading What a Coincidence about 10 days ago. I decided to take some time to process it while continuing to notice a lot of synchronicity in my life and the ways my intuition leads me. I take that as a sign that I'm on the right path. Some moments of coincidence and synchronicity are truly "wow" moments. Also like Watkins, solutions are dropped into my lap if I make a definitive statement but don't dwell on it; once an intention is set, the pieces fall into place!


Recent examples of synchronicity and coincidence:

I want to include Faye in my interview series and made a mental note to send her an email about it. The next morning on my way to the dentist, I get off one train and cross the platform to wait for the next one. Seconds later, Faye appears on the platform from behind one of the sets of stairs at the West 4th station! I actually stand in shock for a while then gather myself and go over to say "hello". We chat for a while and it turns out we're both on our way to the dentist!

Wedding Bells

Last month, I witnessed the union of Charleen Bruno and Toney Ivey -- capturing the ceremony and mingling amongst family and friends afterwards.

More photographers, and the couples who hire them, are leaning towards creative wedding photography. Right up my alley. My eye is drawn to connections between people and my images do a great job capturing moments that would otherwise go unnoticed. I'm available to shoot weddings and engagements. 'Tis the wedding season!

Race Relations in Motor City (Bar)

Last night, I ended up at Motor City Bar. I like that the vibe there is never pretentious, it's a great mix of clientele and it'll be the setting for my upcoming photo shoot (see: Graffiti Butt)

I had conversations with interesting men at the bar -- maybe because we didn't know one another we were more direct, more quickly. The underlying theme of our conversations: race.

"So whereabouts in Brooklyn are you from?"

I answered his question but later it hit me -- I didn't tell this man I was from Brooklyn. I asked how he knew I was "from Brooklyn" and he said he's been in NY for 25 years and has learned to "just tell". Moments before that, I tried to pinpoint the origin of his brogue. I guessed Ireland, he's Scottish.

Back On (Where's) George's Money Trail

I finally spent my "Fishbone - Where's George" dollar bill yesterday. I'd had other opportunities to -- once the item I was purchasing cost less than I anticipated and once I just couldn't part with "Fishbone George" so I handed over a different legal tender.

To purchase a brownie and petit four at Betty Bakery, I released "Fishbone George". Minutes later, along Atlantic Avenue I stopped to buy some Shea Butter. I was going to buy just one tub of it, but the second proprietor of the shop told me "3 for 10." Had I not bought the 2 extra tubs of Shea butter, I wouldn't have gotten the second bill. One of the bills I got as my change had ink on it that caught my eye -- IN GOD WE TRUST -- circled in red. For a split second I thought it was a Where's George?® bill. It wasn't until I got home and was organizing my change that I noticed I did indeed receive another bill.

There's meaning to this. It's a sign. But what?

"To follow the $ somehow", TastyKeish text me.

"Hell ya. That I can do."

Side Note:  When I first showed TK the Fishbone bill she informed me that she interviewed a member of Fishbone at SXSW last year. The day I tracked Fishbone George, I got that message about the virus study and also learned the Fishbone on the bill was a reference to the same band.

Synchronicity.



So now I track this bill... it's been in Minnesota, Delaware and now New York. Where to next?

*   *   *

Where's George Money Trail

Chasing the all-mighty dollar.

That's the one dollar bill I received as change for my umbrella purchase on Valentine's Day (before I came face to face with Bruno). The dollar itself was actually very crisp, but it "vandalized". When I looked closer, I noticed the statement: Fishbone Was Here! in the familiar Andy font. I also noticed the request to track the bill at Where's George?®

Yeah, it took me a while, but I finally got around to finding out where George had been...

Waving The Red Flag

My online dating experiment continues...


I received this note in response to one I sent after reading someone's post/profile:

Hey Abigail,

Thanks for answering my little post. I forgot to mention something that may be very important to you: I'm short. 5'7 ... just thought I'd mention it. ;)

By the way, I try to stay fit also. I run every day. And try to avoid unhealthy stuff. It's too easy to let yourself go. And it's depressing to throw your health away. I think most American are obese because they're sad. It's just filling a void.

Can't Blame It On The Alcohol

I can honestly say no sexual intercourse took place in this bed. It was after 2am, we'd met at a cocktail lounge, kissed in the cab and I marveled at the Danish he spoke in a slight British accent that escaped out his Colombian-tanned complexion.


I don't have drunk sex. I rarely have tipsy sex. I stated that fact when he invited me back to his hotel. And I told him again about half-hour later when he told me the invite still stood. Sex is very physical for me. I'm not the type to just lie there. Alcohol is a depressant. I just want to (try to) sleep after I drink. I also want to remember who, what, where, when and how. So I don't do drunk hook-ups.


Do you have any sex-alcohol rules? Do you have the willpower to stop if faced with temptation? Do you remember everything you've ever done and with whom?


The only thing I can blame alcohol for is sex not happening. That bed was very comfortable, the bedding blindingly white and I only needed one pillow, they were so plush. The Colombian-Dane respected my decision despite his desire. And I still have respect for myself.

*   *   *

My Afternoon With The Italian Architect

I spent a few hours with a 33 year old architect from Milan. He responded to an ad I posted online; he was in NY to learn English and wanted to meet me. I chose the time and place where we met in Brooklyn on a gorgeous afternoon.


We walked and talked. He's a professor of architecture in Italy. He taught me a lot about the history of NY architecture; he's very knowledgeable and passionate about his work. It was strange for him to now be the student (he's taking English classes during the day) and have homework.  He's the only Italian in his class; the majority of the students are Spanish-speakers. He was a bit disappointed because as he put it, he's close to Spain when he's home. He didn't want to cross an ocean for more Spanish. I mentioned that it was interesting that the Spanish-speaking students in his class were all European not from Latin America.


Throughout the afternoon he shared his take on the New York culture (and American culture, in general) that he's been exposed to and I pointed out local points of interests all while teaching or correcting his English when necessary. The prayer alarm blared as we passed a mosque. Sitting outside were two woman wearing burqas and niqabs. A few blocks away he asked about the America view of Muslims after 9/11.

Cyber Contact And Communication

Before the internet, there's no doubt people were curious about how their exes, one-night stands, could-have-beens or former friends were doing after they'd come and gone from their lives but they didn't have the means to find out without hiring a PI or asking a friend of a friend. There wasn't instant access to someone's day-to-day life. Nowadays, there's frequent trolling of someone's Facebook page, Twitter stream or coincidentally running into someone at the location they just checked-in on Foursquare (that last part is their own fault). I even know folks who get somewhat irritated or annoyed if they log-on to check-up on a former down-low and there are no recent posts; there's an expectation that the "ex" will keep them in the loop with updates. Then the freak out begins: What's up? They not using Facebook anymore? What are they doing? Who are they with?

Lessons For The Socially Awkward

I've had more than one friend tell me I should teach classes or seminars on flirting, or just simply talking to new people. When I envision these classes, I see "hands-on" workshops, with lots of field trips to bars, networking events, the park, supermarket and I'd give my students assignments; collect one phone number, have at least an 6 minute conversation with 3 strangers (3 minute convos for beginners or intermediates), make a date or plans to meet someone, bring up your pet turtle or your last workout, naturally, in conversation et cetera, et cetera.

Show Yourself

Recently there's been some rumbling on my Twitter timeline about anonymous Tweeters--those who hide behind Twitter handles that don't have their real names (or part of their name) and those who don't use a real photo as their avatar or a photo at all (I don't acknowledge eggs).


I agree wholeheartedly that there should be some true representation of yourself in social media. Some people feel putting up a photo of yourself is "too much". Posting your photo doesn't mean you're sharing your SSN, or home address on Twitter (or Facebook). If you're that paranoid, stay off the web.


There's also that anonymous person on social media who hides behind the screen and antagonizes or simply annoys everyone, trolls posts to pick fights but not (hu)man enough to stand behind their words.


When I attend events, I run into people I already know in real life. Sometimes I also meet people who I've had extensive interaction with online. I know this because I recognize them from their avatars. Folks who approach me because they recognize me yet I've never seen their face don't get the same warm reception. That shouldn't surprise them; we gravitate towards people we know, people we are comfortable with. You're starting from scratch if you've remained anonymous despite the comments you've left on someone's FB photos or the fact that you've retweeted them a few times (read: incessantly). There won't be the same bond between two people who know what the other looks like.


It's proven that the more you're exposed to someone's face, the longer you view it, the more you'll view it favorably and even form a bond.


It's social media, it'd be nice to know who I'm socializing with.

*   *   *

Primed At Pacifico

Still feeling the inspiration from Friday's lunch date with a friend. And ready to travel the world. Once I get the "how" figured out...


I feel as though this should be more of a story, so I'll paint the picture for you instead of jumping right in to artist-creative-soul-wanderlust vibe of the lunch.


There he was on the corner of Jay and Willoughby. He stood in the sun wearing a fitted leather jacket and Ray Bans. I could tell he was making sure he was on the right corner from the way he kept looking at his phone then up at the street signs. I was wearing "Little Red", so I was easy to spot.

Random Musings on Empty Vaginas

image source

I didn't choose celibacy. I didn't choose abstinence.

A girl friend recently referred to me as a nun. Me! A nun!

Yesterday I threw out 4 jars of chocolate body frosting (assorted flavors). Why? They expired.

Circumstances have left it so that I haven't had sex in 2011. You may be thinking that's only about a month and a half. I didn't have sex on December 31. No words can express how unnatural this is for me.

Masturbation helps. Exercise helps. They do not cure.

I need food. I need sleep. I need... it.

The Man I Can Not Or Should Not Love

There are basic truths I already know as an adult woman who has been in relationships and related to men. You can't be with someone who they themselves aren't ready, healthy or "whole". It just won't work. And before I develop some sort of Superwoman complex and try to "save" him or "protect" him, I need to step back.

I already told myself that I'd have to detox from him and the situation. I've done it before. I use the term detox because it's almost an addiction. That's how it feels. And it doesn't feel good.

I've toyed with the idea of another detox recently, and I even mentioned it to him. Why? Because I was being a  fucking woman. I have my moments. His response? That I shouldn't detox but instead I should immerse myself in it.

Let that sink in for a minute...

Immerse myself in it

How Bold Is Crazy?

It's 6am on a Saturday or maybe 4am on a Thursday. They're on your mind. You want to talk to that particular person. Or have some sort of contact with them. So you psyche yourself up to be bold. Then you start to come up with any excuse not to reach out to them--it's too late, it's too early, they'll think you're bothering them, maybe they're with someone else...

You toss and turn. Can't sleep because you're too busy replaying all these could-be scenarios in your head. You log on to Facebook or Twitter and do some cyber-stalking or just a cyber check-in (we're trying to stay away from 'crazy'). You see they're online. They've posted something 5 minutes ago.

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