Dude, Your Privilege is Showing

I'm going to pass on today. Juggling money and time this week. Sorry for the last min! Maybe next week when finances are better! I sent that message to a potential date. The night before I told him I could give him an answer in the morning on whether or not we'd meet that day or later date (I was waiting to see if a direct deposit would go through).

When I say no, I mean no. I don't say, "no, not this time", or "you're really nice but, no", or even "no, thank you". In this situation I said I'd pass and when my finances were better we could meet.

I thought I was pretty clear. He even got more of an explanation than I usually give most people.


His cherry-topped response: Boo.. I think you are getting cold feet. It's happy hour, $20 would go a long way...


That's when I knew I was dealing with one of those men, a bro in gentleman's clothing up until the point they don't get what they want. 

The Power of I Am

When I began corresponding with a new friend in São Paulo he said he was single. Wanting firsthand knowledge of the namorar-social scene there, I shared Dating in Brazil Vs USA: Paquerar & Namorar and he agreed with some of what was said about how relationships are "conducted" Brazil.


A few emails later he told me about his girlfriend. So I was curious -- does he consider himself single because he's not legally married? I know there are people who consider themselves single even if they're dating someone. Dating is the process of getting to know someone until you decide if you want something more "serious" or "committed" or to take things to the "next level". You can date more than one person. By law, in the US, it's illegal to be married to more than one person. But here the majority of people don't consider themselves "single" if they're dating only one person.

Dating in Brazil Vs USA: Paquerar & Namorar

I received the informative and timely email, Paquerar & Namorar, about the way Brazilians "flirt, hook up and hang out". I enjoy such social anthropological type-writings and only a 2 days prior, I'd met a dynamic Brasileira and our conversation landed on the topic of dating and  the what-to-do-whens.


I forwarded the email to my friend Danilo, a São Paulo native, and he confirmed that the article was very accurate. Some of the sentiments the Brasileira shared with me at the dinner party were included in the piece. The conclusion: the rules of love and dating apply to men and women.


I'm a hybrid of both worlds — USA and Brazil. Women and Men.

Why I Locked Them All Down

Back in the Saddle

Photograph by Daniel Dolpire

I think I made a huge mistake.


I jumped the gun when I locked down Boy Toy. Oxy is a helluva drug.


I wasn't wrong in locking him down. My mistake was thinking I'd want to lock him and only him down.

Back In The Saddle

Back in the Saddle

How many of you remember this post: Random Musings on Empty Vaginas? Yes, that was a long time ago. The struggle was real. There were fits and starts.


The struggle is over.


In true life fashion, resuming relations with men has come with its fair share of blog-worthy, smile-inducing, cringe-worthy, WTF and oh, Oh, OH! moments.


On my HowAboutWe profile, I answered the question -- For me, a first date no-no is: with "giving me something to blog about instead of something to text my friend about". Oh, my adventures have consisted of both.

One Woman's Struggle with Celibacy.

How I got My Groove Back.

She's Gotta Have It... and How She's Getting It.

(Pick a subtitle... any will do)


I will share those tales and lessons in my Back in the Saddle series. I may not have the life years under my belt that Sophia Petrillo has but I've got anecdotes for days. Picture it...

*   *   *

Ask Abbie: Is Being a Single Father That Much of a Turn off?

Single Father Asks:

Hi there,

To tell you the truth, i ask myself daily, what is it about the mention of kids, people just up and run from me?

I look around, and i know quite a few guys out there that have children and refuse to care for them, but yet i see all of these guys dating and not caring for anyone but themselves.

I guess it just really bothers me that a man such as myself, has a job, pays my bills, takes responsibility for his actions, and takes care of his children is just frequently ignored by the fairer sex.

I only have my children Friday night thru Sunday night every week, and the rest of the week i just go thru the motions. Is it really that important that a Friday night and Saturday night be an available option when dating? Can't something like this be overlooked? There are so many confusing things when it comes to dating and being a father, and i just dont get any of it..

Can you enlighten me?

Ask Abbie: Wearing My Heart On My Kidney

(Source)

Kidney Ken Asks:

OK how do I tell a girl that I need a kidney transplant when I first meet her? Not that I want hers but this issue holds me back from seeking out women because I've been rejected before when I said I need one. So... how can I say "hi I am [name redacted] 42 5'11 170 pounds work in a condo O by the way any day now I could go into kidney failure don't worry I am on a kidney list and will be out of work for three months if I do get transplanted."


I really think women don't want nothing to do with me because of my sickness. It's hopeless.

Ask Abbie: How Can I Tell If She's Lying?

He contacted me with this question: How can I tell if she's lying? 

This one goes deeper than lies...

Whipped Willie Asks: 

Ok I need some advice. I'm a dude. Basically imma wrap a long ass story short...I met a girl on craigslist. Wanted me to critique her work. She ends up asking me to make love to her. Typical of me, I did. Says the sex was the most beautiful experience ever. Whatever. I get attached. She gets addicted. 

The Date That Wasn't

One of my recent forays into online dating...


We exchanged a few messages before deciding to go to the movies. Previous plans to go on a gallery crawl didn't pan out because of location (he's in NJ) and other plans (I had other plans).


He'd be in "the city" (Manhattan, NY) on this particular day. He played an active role in selecting which movie we'd watch where, took into account my travel, all that jazz. We had the movie and time all picked out (4:15pm on a weekday). We were going to meet at the theater. I had his photo queued up on my phone so I could match it up with the man I would meet.

Ask Abbie: Victor the Virgo and His Flaky Pisces Fish

Victor our Virgo wants to make sure he doesn't blow it again with his super cute, confusing Pisces woman... and get through their date on Thursday night.

Victor the Virgo asks:

Well I am a Virgo male and I'm very interested in this super cute and amazing Pisces woman. We're still friends and we only fooled around 1 time in back in December. I told her that I cared for her too much to have sex when we are drunk so we stayed friends. I was courting her big time and she knew I wanted more than friends... we had such a great time these last 2 months. We had this trip to Miami Beach planned -- amazing Trump hotel suite over the ocean which I knew she would love. I was going to pay...but she canceled the trip, she said "too much pressure" ??? I was shocked and upset about this ... I sent some stupid texts to her. That's wrong I know so we did not text or talk at all for a week or so. 

How to Get Him to Commit to You

I downloaded How to Get Him to Commit to You Over and Over in 7 Easy Steps and Think It's His Idea by John Alanis this weekend when the free download link was on my Kindle. Free? Ok, can't hurt. Plus I had to read what a man would tell women about getting men to commit.

Turns out he told the truth. The hard truth. The truth your "head-in-the-real-world" girl friends probably told you before but you didn't heed.

Here are the things I was totally on board with:

He's Too Short For Me

He answered my ad, which was more of a rant on folks going online to meet people then never actually meeting.


He told me he was "quite young", in his 20's. In any capacity, I avoid them. But since this wasn't a date-date, I was my usual open-minded, adventuresome self. I sent the message, "Quite young"? Oh boy. But I'm not looking to date so I guess it's ok." I could go for some witty banter and a drink. What I did like was that he chose the place and time. I have declared to no longer deal with lazy men -- you ask me out then have a plan if I say 'yes'.

Been There, Done French

I was talking to a guy about travel. Naturally, Paris came up in the conversation. I told him it would've been great if I had visited Paris in my 20's but that I was also glad to be going now as a full-fledged adult. I'd have a better handle on the language, and what to expect from the locals (namely the men). I won't be seduced, instead I'd choose the man I want and then let him think he seduced me.


The guy I was speaking with isn't from NY so I asked him if he'd heard of the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case (DSK is now counter-suing the hotel maid he is accused of sexually assaulting). He had vague knowledge of the case and I explained to him what I'd learned, while researching the DSK scandal, about the sexual entitlement French men seem to exhibit -- the séducteur. How much of that is actually "fah real", he asked.


Let me share the story I shared with him.

Random Musings on Partialism

Guy A:

It was all about me for the first 30 minutes or so. No complaints there. Then he asked if I wanted to "do more" or "keep going". Sure, I thought. I was attracted to him and still in the mood. I returned the oral favor; he stopped me and commented on my skill level. Ok, we get to it and early on he asked me to squeeze his nipples. All right. Tweak tweak. But when I moved my hands he demanded that I squeeze his nipples again. What does Abigail do? She hooks up with him 2 more times after that.

Waving The Red Flag

My online dating experiment continues...


I received this note in response to one I sent after reading someone's post/profile:

Hey Abigail,

Thanks for answering my little post. I forgot to mention something that may be very important to you: I'm short. 5'7 ... just thought I'd mention it. ;)

By the way, I try to stay fit also. I run every day. And try to avoid unhealthy stuff. It's too easy to let yourself go. And it's depressing to throw your health away. I think most American are obese because they're sad. It's just filling a void.

Table Manners

I had a meal with a man on Friday. As we walked through the LES we decided to go to Clinton Street Baking Company. So far so good. Chose the Chicken and Waffles off the menu. Ok, nothing to report about there. Then dinner was served.

He ate like a Neanderthal (no disrespect to any other Neanderthals who may be reading this). He attacked the chicken like it wasn't already dead. I took a photo of my plate and sent it to a friend who I'd made plans with the night before to go Clinton Street Baking for that very meal next week. By the time I looked up from my cell phone, he'd already devoured two pieces of the half chicken we were served, grease and food all over his face.

Mixers And The Single Woman

Recently I found out about a mixer/meet-up. I emailed the invite to a few friends to see who'd be interested in going. Geraldine and I decided to venture to the Empire Hotel on a Friday night.


I rarely go to mixers. Well, mixers that are advertised as mixers. I attended one earlier this year hosted by WTF Is Up With My Love Life. The object was to find new members for your gaggle. Admittedly, I was more interested in boosting my career.

Cyber Contact And Communication

Before the internet, there's no doubt people were curious about how their exes, one-night stands, could-have-beens or former friends were doing after they'd come and gone from their lives but they didn't have the means to find out without hiring a PI or asking a friend of a friend. There wasn't instant access to someone's day-to-day life. Nowadays, there's frequent trolling of someone's Facebook page, Twitter stream or coincidentally running into someone at the location they just checked-in on Foursquare (that last part is their own fault). I even know folks who get somewhat irritated or annoyed if they log-on to check-up on a former down-low and there are no recent posts; there's an expectation that the "ex" will keep them in the loop with updates. Then the freak out begins: What's up? They not using Facebook anymore? What are they doing? Who are they with?

Dress The Part

I met a man a week ago for Sunday brunch. We'd confirmed plans the night before. On Sunday morning I received a text from him:

I'm up. Don't know what to wear. Lol. today is beautiful.

Ok I thought, he just wants to strike up conversation. He'd never used "lol" before either so I let that one slide. I wrote back that he should just dress comfortably especially if he was going to be out and about all day. I told him my motto is all about comfort to which he replied:

My comfort is old cutoff jeans and a t shirt. That's not what u meet someone dressed in.

Beauty Ideals, Preferences And The Ugly

"What's ugly to you? What do you consider ugly?" he asked.


I pondered out loud and asked for clarification--did he mean what physical traits I found ugly? What makes a person ugly?


I ended up answering the question, first, by naming the traits and behaviors I strongly dislike, and second, I didn't have particular physical traits I could list as being ugly. It's a case of I know it when I see it.