Monday, September 28, 2009

Aint No Fun If Your Girls Can't Have None

When will I learn that no matter how hard I don’t look for attention or try to just blend in, it never happens? That someone is bound to say something to me to make me think?

I was at a fish fry last night. The first people I saw were two women and a man, the women sitting on either side of him. He had the boisterous energy I’ve come to know from Nigerians. I didn’t take a seat near them until I had been there for about 15 minutes. I was in people-watching mode while I sipped my drink, and not even trying to hide the fact that I was listening in on conversations.

I had sat quietly near the 3-person couple. Maybe I was too quiet. The woman closest to me said “hello”. Then the man cut right to the chase, “Are you from Africa?” he asked. I said my father was. I knew where he was from based on his accent. I could’ve gone through the speech I’ve given my entire life about where I’m “from”, where I was born, where my parents are from, what culture/country I identify with, but this time I waited to see where this was going.

He asked if my father was from Ghana. I said Nigeria. The woman on his far left teased him for now knowing his own people. He was very pleased to hear I was from Nigeria and said he assumed I was African or Jamaican.

“Both,” I said.

Now he was really impressed. I may have actually seen his dick get hard. The left-side woman called it a potent mix. He said I was the baddest of Africa and the baddest of the Caribbean. That meant I must be a bad girl. Yeah, he meant that sexually. I was promptly schooled that in Africa men can have more than one wife and then he referred to himself in the third person when he said he wanted to marry a Jamaican woman, that he was looking for a third wife. Someone fiery to stir things up since the other two wives (apparently the ones sitting with him, even though the one next to me denied it) got along well. He wanted a wife who would fight for him because she didn’t want to share him. I had all sorts of smart remarks to make but I think my raised eyebrow and lips pushed to the side said enough.

I have nothing against polygyny. On the surface, the three of them seemed happy and it’s a practice that’s been going on for centuries. But let me explain--if you’re a married man or in a relationship and your partner doesn’t know that you have other women that’s not polygyny. What I do have an issue with is the whole “man-sharing” or “man-stealing”, both of which involve blatant deceit.

I was in my living room a few mornings ago with a friend and his girl friend. It was carefree and easy. I had been with him and (I surmise) he had been with her in the past. During the wee hours of the morning when they came over, there was only one question I was bracing for. I was in no mood to party with two people especially if I had matching parts with one of them (but let me put this out there, I’ll have a threesome with the man who doesn’t ask me). She passed out on the couch. I turned off the computer because I didn’t want the Cosby Show playing all night. She woke up when I did that, so I gave her some cushions and a Snuggie masquerading as a blanket. But what really struck me was he wanted tension between the two of us. He accused me of waking her up or wanting her to wake up so she would know he had chosen to sleep in the bedroom with me. Then what, we’d fight until we’re both naked or I’d invite her into the bed with us?

I’m sure it’s a huge ego stroke to know that more than one person likes, loves or lusts after you and you have access to them (maybe even at the same time), but to the man at the fish fry, that seemed to be his main objective (not to mention his overt intentions of bringing this “bad girl” into the mix). The woman on his left grabbed playfully at his crotch, the woman sitting next to me danced seductively in her chair as if she were sitting on his lap and later got angry when he spoke proudly and loudly about how much he loves to eat pussy. I don’t remember if that was before or after he teased the left-side woman about always having something in her mouth.

So flashback to the carefree conversation that morning in my living room… I made a comment about him not remembering what happened or that moment. If I wasn’t looking at him I would’ve missed it; his eyes darted to her, to me, then back to the mac-and-cheese I had served him after they had shared a kiss, and with raised eyebrows he said, “Oh, I’ll remember this.” Now two things I want to address here—first, there it was, written all over his face for a nanosecond—what if I could, with the two of them, just for a little while? Second, I’ve always said I’m too selfish to share a man and that I have to be “Queen Bee” or in this plural relationship, “first wife”. When I served him his food, I really did feel like one of the wives at that moment. And I was fine with that. He would leave, and my other “husband” would come over. Like the Mosuo walking marriages.

What if I could, with him and another him, just for a little while? If I don’t have a problem with polygyny you know I don’t have a problem with polyandry. I’ve had friends joke with me about my “mens”. The men aren’t so amused. It’s unfortunate that a woman in a relationship with more than one man is frowned upon. Polyandry refers to sexual relationships but what if the relationship isn’t sexual? What’s more acceptable—sexual or emotional? Can the two be independent of each other? I’ve witnessed a very happy, functional couple that was in an open relationship for about 10 years (I say “was” because I haven’t spoken to them in a few months). My thought is it worked for them because they were honest with each other. The relationship was sexually open, not emotionally. They played with others as a couple but also apart. They didn’t deny their human physical needs that masturbation or willpower couldn’t quell.

The dynamic should and does change when children are involved. Right now, that’s not an issue for me. It’s about developing relationships and bonds with people as they come. Nothing forced, letting the universe provide and making wise decisions. I’m not against monogamy. It’s very soothing. You and another soul, together. If that comes my way, so be it.

My friend who visited with his girl friend and I share some of the same ideologies on open relationships and what’s ok for a single person to do. There is a lot to consider if you’re going to date more than one person; pregnancy, diseases, consideration of other people’s emotions. He put it to me like this—he doesn’t care what I do with other dudes as long as when we’re together we have fun and that we’ll always be able to get together. Before he left, he put two condoms in my drawer and said, “Be safe.” He could definitely earn the spot of “Head Husband” but seriously those two words mean so much. Be safe with my head and safe with my heart.


  1. Very interesting...good food for thought. I am a boring ole completely straight, completely monogamous girl. Neither Polygyny nor polyandry would work for me. It's useful to me as an intellectual nerd, though, to read others' perspectives on either lifestyle choice. Thanks for the read!

  2. It's funny that this topic comes up again, my fiance' wants to try it. A threesome or having a seperate experience with a woman is more appealing to me than sharing a man.

  3. I was recently asked if I thought a person in the swinging lifestyle, could ever settle down and be faithful to one person. My response, was that honesty and respect, should be the foundation to any relationship. Whether that be with multiple parties, or the relationship we have with ourselves. The one thing I found really interesting about your post, was the observation of both men needing to create "tension" between the women around them, too feed their egos. When the job of all partners in any relationship, poly or vanilla, should be to create a peaceful synergy, where creativity and beauty are paramount....... Vincent,

  4. Hmm ... what? You said queit alot there. Awww two wives or two husbands; I think thats too much ( for me anyway). I think you can only really share yourself with one person.

    If your with more than one person its just more sexual than any thing else. Do you really need to get married twice to cheat?

  5. The whole poly world is so interesting to me. In my next life, monogamy will not likely be much of a consideration. I hope 'she' will understand my need for more than 'her.'

    Thanks for sharing.

  6. That world is very interesting. There are so many relationship variations. It's not just sex-based relationships. As long as you're understanding that you may not satisfy all her needs, so be it.

    I just finished reading "The Ethical Slut" by Easton & Hardy. I may have to revisit this topic on my blog for sure.


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