Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Ask Abbie: Losing Her To Her Work

Mr. Second To Her Career Asks:

So I have been dating this girl for a little over a year now. Things were great until her career started consuming her life and distancing her from me. Now, don't get me wrong, I want her to be successful but I feel neglected. I don't hear from her for extended periods of time, sometimes days. When I do hear from her all she really says is she is busy with work or to ask me to do something for her. At this point I feel like an unpaid intern on call 24 hours a day, rearranging my personal life to preform menial tasks for someone else for no compensation. 

On top of that, I feel she is changing into more of a materialistic type of person while I am more drawn to the metaphysical "weird guy" type of stuff. All these things aside she is an amazing person whom I have had some great times with and hoped for many more. I do believe she loves me and infidelity is not a concern. 

The question is: Am I just a co-dependent weakling too scared to face the facts and realize it's over and end it now? Or should I just be happy that she is succeeding and enjoy the short times and interactions we have together? I know it's ultimately up to me but I would like to hear what a complete stranger thinks as well as gain a new perspective on the whole thing. I'm sure this sort situation (especially in New York) is as common as shit on a shoe but I can't trust my own instincts because love is a real son of a bitch and fucks with your eyes so you can't see the things right in front of you. Thank you for the insight, internet or universe or cosmic web or whatever...

Ask Abbie Answers:

Relationship dynamics change, they end, people grow apart. That could be what's going on now in your situation. You say you're happy for her but you do seem to resent that she's making progress in her life and doesn't need to talk to you or spend time with you 24/7. What are you doing when she's working? If you don't have other interests or a life of your own then that is the sad part. Sure you'd miss her but it wouldn't feel so traumatizing or upsetting to your life. You're rearranging your life to do tasks for her. That's a decision you made. You can decide not to do those tasks. But you've set a precedent and now you may fear she will get angry or resent you for not doing the tasks for her. 

As for not having anything to talk about, what are you bringing to the conversations? Do you suggest topics of discussion? Your girlfriend says she's busy...perhaps because she is or maybe she doesn't want to discuss work with you and that's just her way of avoiding the topic.

Before you develop negative feelings towards her (since you still consider her an amazing person) really dig deep and consider if you belong in a committed relationship with her. She may be an amazing person that will be better as a friend; maybe you aren't compatible in a relationship. If you want to end the relationship, fine. If you want to take a break, fine. Be an adult about it. Let her know how you feel without whining or placing blame. If you choose to stick it out, consider that then when you make some moves in your own career or pursue a dream of your own she might be the type of person to stick by you. 

We learn from every relationship we're in (or we should). This may be a learning experience of what you need in a relationship, what style of love you need, what your priorities are in a relationship... and you can take this new knowledge with you as you work towards keeping this relationship going or into the next one with a woman who is less materialistic and more into the metaphysical stuff you're into.

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If you have a health, nutrition, fitness, body image, dating & relationships or sex question, send me an email or fill out the form on my website About page or Written Word page.

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