Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Man I Can Not Or Should Not Love

There are basic truths I already know as an adult woman who has been in relationships and related to men. You can't be with someone who they themselves aren't ready, healthy or "whole". It just won't work. And before I develop some sort of Superwoman complex and try to "save" him or "protect" him, I need to step back.

I already told myself that I'd have to detox from him and the situation. I've done it before. I use the term detox because it's almost an addiction. That's how it feels. And it doesn't feel good.

I've toyed with the idea of another detox recently, and I even mentioned it to him. Why? Because I was being a  fucking woman. I have my moments. His response? That I shouldn't detox but instead I should immerse myself in it.

Let that sink in for a minute...

Immerse myself in it




I'm a very driven, emotional person. I do have addictive sides to my personality, so when I'm really focused and passionate about something, I will work for it. My thought is, "I will get it." And for some strange reason, this drive is directed towards him. The drive and a strange necessity.

I'm glad I'm still at the phase of my addiction where I can recognize that this is unhealthy. My girl asked me if I was going to detox. I replied, "maybe after my next pounding." She understood that response was due to my hormones. Sure, the sex is good with him but I can count on one hand the number of times we've been together. We barely spend any time together, I honestly don't know much about him yet there is this intense attraction and connection. Despite the good that I do know about him and the qualities that I am attracted to, as quickly as I feel happiness, no, euphoric, with him or because of him, I'm left frustrated, disappointed, hurt, annoyed or angry. I know that has a lot to do with the fucking Freudian slips I keep making when I sometimes call him by my ex's name. Break the cycle, Abigail

I told my girl it's serious--this need to see him and that I have to be careful that he and I don't become unhealthily attached to one another.

Her response: Become?

So I repeated that I gotta detox again. How I go about it this time, I wasn't sure, but it was gonna happen. Because that same focus will be applied to that. I won't banish him from my life, but the dynamic will change. I will change my approach and focus.

My girl continued that she wasn't judging, just "keepin it real".

That's exactly what I needed. I keep it real with people too and it is refreshing and necessary to get that form of love in return.

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