Not Attracted To My Girlfriend Asks:
I need some advice. A year later, I've watched my girlfriend gain quite a bit of weight, and admit I'm less attracted physically but also because she's completely in denial, thinking she takes great care of herself. I'm worried about her health. No exercise, shitty diet overall, and a lot of talk about doing this and being involved with that, etc. No action. I'm starting to feel mismatched because I do put in effort and am noticing that she almost weighs the same as me. Plus, I think she's a bit depressed but denies that, too.
How do I state my concerns without being offensive? A future with her would be difficult because, if there were to be kids, I want them to learn decent habits and take initiative, not the opposite. And spare me the bullshit about loving regardless, as we know that's not applicable in all situations. There have to be others out there who have dealt with this, right? Appreciate all your thoughts.
Ask Abbie Answers:
Forget stating your concerns without offending her. You will. She will become defensive. No matter how sweet you are, no matter how much you sugar coat it. So just say it. You're not responsible for her feelings. Especially if she's depressed, she won't see what you're doing for her as a good thing until she gets better. That is not a carte blance to be an asshole about it, but just be prepared that she may not wanna hear what you have to say or she might lash out at you.
You sound sincere enough that you'll handle that conversation with care. Your frustration with the current situation is because you see someone you care about slipping and you want things to be better for her. Since you think she's depressed, make the bulk of what you say to her about that, what you think may have triggered her depression and working on getting her healthy and "happy" again, how much you miss the woman you got into a relationship with. You'll get the "lighter" woman back once she deals with the emotional issue. However... if she gained weight because she's depressed, there's a chance her depression is a result of being unhappy in the relationship with you. Just saying.
I can understand not being physically attracted to her anymore. We all have our preferences and you have a right to be with someone you're attracted to -- physical or otherwise. For you being with someone who is in a particular physical condition, is active, lives a healthy lifestyle etc., is important. And that's all right. Physical attraction is a big part in some relationships. I don't know how much she's let herself go but if her self-care is lacking to point where she can't keep up with you in bed, has lost her sex drive, or you're now dealing with odors and infections then you're right, that isn't attractive at all.
I think the fact that you want to tell her about her weight gain and effect it's having on her health (notice I didn't say the effect it's having on your dick) means you still care for her as a fellow human being. You're not physically attracted to her anymore but perhaps you still love her; it's shifted to a more platonic love. Yes? Does your attraction for her include any of her personality? Say she loses the weight and you do end up having the future with her you're having a hard time envisioning, what if she then gains weight because of pregnancy, what then? Keep that in mind.
If this all ends in the two of you getting a family plan at the gym and winning triathlons together, high five. If you break-up and see her years later looking fabulous with a new man or woman on her arm, know you did your part to help her drop the dead weight.
* * *
If you have a health, nutrition, fitness, body image, dating & relationships or sex question, send me an email, use the Contact form on this blog or fill out the Ask Abbie form on my website About page or Written Word page.