Thursday, October 3, 2013

Why I Locked Them All Down

Photograph by Daniel Dolpire

I think I made a huge mistake.

I jumped the gun when I locked down Boy Toy. Oxy is a helluva drug.

I wasn't wrong in locking him down. My mistake was thinking I'd want to lock him and only him down.

Boy Toy was missing for a few weeks. I can only imagine he was off on some magical adventure. That's what attracted me to him in the first place. He'd share his stories as we lay in bed, his experiences injecting me with possibilities more so than the way he physically injected me. He represents adventure, passion and, of course, "getting my groove back". While he was MIA his window of opportunity remained open.

In an attempt to flirt with George one evening, I responded to his initial "what's up?" text with: George, just the man I was doing Kegels for... I'm OK. How are you? I soon found out he had no clue what Kegels were and had to take on my role of teacher in our usual non-sexual, non-flirty, direct communication. I'm the sexually knowledgeable and experienced one in our pairing. I'm a woman who allows him some amazing liberties over her body because what he does know he knows well.

And then there's Al*. In August, I reached out to him again after developing an emotional relationship with him last year. Al is a man I have never met. In the age of catfishing, the risk is there but I went in head first. Any little occurrence in my world and I'm on my phone texting Al. He fills me in on the minutia of his day. I consider him a friend. A friend who if given the opportunity I'd have sex with for hours. He warns that friend sex is the best sex. Our sexting is invigorating. I'm flushed and exhausted when we're done, like dude was actually in it. For now we tease with our fingers on our phones, take naughty selfies, exchange voice messages and video and just... like each other. That's the easy part.

I've always known getting everything you want from one person wasn't possible. When you become dependent on someone for everything you're setting them and your relationship up for failure. I've also witnessed people who enter into relationships and then no longer have friends; "Oh I can't hang out with so and so I have a man now", "I can't call Missy cause she's married now". I never understood that. I don't believe relationships should isolate or be insular.

I cut off all communication with Al earlier this year because we still hadn't met.

When Boy Toy went AWOL I considered sending out the search party once my initial contact didn't yield a response.

George isn't as physically available as I'd like and exhibiting reasons to end our sexual relationship.

Instead of weighing the reasons why I should let one go, I'm focused on why I let them stay. Not to be confused with "ignoring the red flags." I don't do that. They each bring different facet to my life. I enjoy them each for varying reasons in their own individual ways. My bond with each man is genuine, outside of the bedroom or (outside of sext in Al's case). I couldn't continuously have sex with a man if I didn't like him as a person. Some lose sight of the friends part of friends with benefits. Perhaps locking down Boy Toy for the sex was the right choice at the time, but there's no need to end my platonic interactions with the others. 

I learn a lot from Al. Al is the one I tell a problem to and he figures it out. He's my realist cheerleader. I was cheating myself out of a beautiful friendship when I cut off all communication with him.

Boy Toy is full of travel advice and inspiration. He frustrates me because he challenges me. I need that sometimes.

George and I bond over music and massage and being artists in the city.

There have been other moments in my life when I've been involved with more than one man at a time. Not just about sex. There's always that point where it goes just left of only sex. Casual sex exists, but some of my sex, though technically in the realm of casual, is not. I get rat king tangled. It's great to know I have more than one person people in my life that I receive affection and compassion from. And sometimes after putting my foot in my mouth, I find out they're sticking around for more than just sex too.

Many people spend their lives looking for The One. They overlook all The Ones they have found. The Ones they got rid of. What if you've already found The One Who Will Drive You To The Airport and Sit Up Eating Ice Cream With You? Or The One Who Will Knock Anyone Out Who Messes With You? The One Who Makes Your Toes Curl And Squeezes Pimples On Your Back? The One Who Will Ride His Bike To Your Place When You Think You've Seen A Mouse? I cherish every One.

A few weeks ago it was Mexican Independence day and the Mayweather/Canelo fight took place. That was good enough reason to find out how the Man I Said I'd Never Do was doing...

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