Thursday, March 7, 2013

Ask Abbie: Should've Never Gotten Married

Not happy in his marriage but not happy about ending it... Time to do the right thing.

Mr. Should Not Have Gotten Married Asks:

Hi! Okay, here is one for you. I'm a 42 year old, married white male. I've been married 14 years and have 2 children. My wife was pregnant before we got married, pretty much the reason we got married. We had been together for 4yrs prior to her getting pregnant, one of those years we were broken up. When she found out she was pregnant she was living in Brooklyn and I had just moved across the country, we were basically going our separate ways. Instead we "did the right thing" and got married. We always fight and hold a lot of resentment toward each other. Neither of us are thriving in our relationship and we just seem to be sitting in a holding pattern. She constantly tells me how unhappy she is in the relationship and that she wants a divorce. We haven't had sex in 14 months. I think in the long term we would both be happier if we were divorced but the idea bothers me, our lives are so entwined and the thought of tearing it apart is very painful. Anyway, that's for starters.

I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.

Ask Abbie Answers:

You entered into a marriage that you didn't want. There's no surprise you've ended up with a lot of resentment. The life you had started for yourself across the country had come to an abrupt end. Probably right when you were about to blossom, you got pulled back and that fire was stomped out. Right now, your marriage needs to come to an end. She wants a divorce. Why don't you? She's telling you she's not happy and... what, you don't want to let her go so she can be happy? So YOU can be happy? I hope you're not waiting for her to leave you so that you don't have to be the one to do it. Take control of your own life and happiness.

You may think doing the right thing is to stay together for the children but it will only do more harm for your children to see Mom and Dad always arguing, hitting each other with biting jabs or simply not speaking to one another. You won't be setting an example of a healthy relationship for them. If you separate or divorce, you can still play an active role in your children's lives, as you should. It doesn't mean your children will be from a "broken home" if you co-parent. What's healthier is your children seeing their parents happy.

The divorce is going to hurt. Yes. But it's a pain you have to go through if you want happiness. It seems like you may be stuck out of fear and not having much experience being on your own. You were with your wife during formative years. You didn't get the opportunity to date and grow up on your own. You grew up for your wife and children not for yourself and probably not at a pace that was suitable for you. Now you're stagnant. You're not thriving. I could even say your spirit is dying. And that's no good. A separation/divorce could signal a rebirth for you. You deserve that. Do you believe you deserve that?

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If you have a dating & relationship, sex, fitness, health, nutrition or body image question, send it to AskAbbie AT abigailekue DOT com or fill out the form on my website About page or Written Word page.

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