Friday, March 8, 2013

Ask Abbie: My Sex And My Religion Don't Mix


Doubting Don Asks:

My main issue is religion. I was raised in a very strict community where you are not allowed to touch a girl before marriage, so basically the night of the wedding is the first night the opposite genders touch each other for the first time! I was very faithful, but lately I started to question and doubting, and I'm so confused about God and religion, I don't know what to do ...

And that's where sex comes in, because my urge for sex grew since I'm doubting if it's sinful.... I try to keep myself cool, but I'm so desperate.. I control myself and I'm very careful not to be stupid. But I am really feeling the heat.......

I am assuming it's a result of the pressure I had all these years not to have anything to do with sex, and as I'm getting loose I'm like pumping it all out from all these years, makes sense??

I'm confused about the whole concept of a god.... I see pain all over, an awful creation. I am questioning god's existence. As said, I was raised very very religious, but lately I'm questioning everything, and doubting if there is even a god, I'm leaning to atheism and it scares me, because I'm a very young intelligent guy, and I don't know what to do with my life. Should I go out and have fun? Have sex and girls etc.... or should I try to stay in the system?

Can u help? Tnx!!

Ask Abbie Answers:

***I will refer to "god" in my response, but it is not an endorsement of any one religion.***

You believe there is a god who created all. That same god gave you sexual urges and made sex pleasurable. Sex is not sinful. What can be categorized as "sinful" or "wrong" or "evil" is rape (having sex with someone against their consent, violating their body and their rights), sexual infidelity in a committed monogamous relationship, sexual abuse. Some people can use sex to control others or play with someone's emotions through sex and I'd consider that wrong, or inconsiderate or cruel. Your doubt that sex is sinful is telling you that you don't believe sex is sinful either. I'm curious what it is you're desperate for -- sex or being able to have sex without the guilt and shame? Sexual urges are similar to the urge to sleep, or hunger, thirst, an itch or a cough, a sneeze, these are natural urges that occur in the body.

Many religions shame people into believing sex is wrong. Shame makes people feel that something is inherently or morally wrong with them. Coupled with the shame, people are made to feel that sex is wrong and what's worse is you're a bad person for having sexual urges, and you're an even worse soul for having sex and enjoying it. Touching and kissing feels good, sex feels good, orgasm feels good. That's the way it works. Your belief is in a god that created man and woman and the world. That god made sex enjoyable not only for procreation. The restrictions placed on sex and sensuality are man-made.

Waiting till your wedding night to figure out what to do and then trying to learn what you like and don't like for the rest of your relationship with only one person isn't very realistic. If you choose to wait until after marriage to have sex, that is a personal decision but for others who don't wait to be in a legally-binding marriage to have sex, that decision is not sinful. It doesn't make them bad people. There are many people in committed relationships having sex.

But about your belief in god: why stay in "the system"?

You were raised a certain way, told things were xyz, while millions of other people live their lives abc. Now that you're an adult, it's OK that you're questioning things. It sounds like you would benefit from researching other religions and philosophies to find one that feels right for and the way you want to live. The school of thought you're in now doesn't seem to be serving you. You can make your own decisions. You weren't given that choice when you were young. Can't blame everything on your childhood - acknowledge it but also acknowledge your free will to change.

I'm not going to say go out and have sex with girls all willy-nilly but if you meet a woman, and you are attracted to her and she's attracted to you and you get to know one another and decide you want to have sex, there's no harm in that. Make sure there's consent, no cheating or deceit, have safe sex etc and realize that it is possible that that scenario could play out again and again in your lifetime.

So as far as what you should do with your life, I think research, talk to people in other religions, go to their religious services, talk to atheists -- open yourself up to what is around you. Experience it. Have fun. That's how you'll get to learn what works for you. There's no quick fix answer.

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If you have a dating & relationship, sex, fitness, health, nutrition or body image question, send it to AskAbbie AT abigailekue DOT com or fill out the form on my website About page or Written Word page.

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