11 years together. 9 years of very little sex. Now on the verge of stepping out on his wife, who is pregnant, for the first time...
Empty-inside Ed Asks:
Hi. Ok this is kind of weird but i will give it a try...
I'm
33. Been married 6 years, but have been living with my wife for 11
years. We have a young son and she is pregnant again. Love her, love the
family etc.
Anyway, the only issue that comes
between my wife and I is sex. I want a lot of it, she could care less.
It's been that way after our first 2 years together. The beginning of our
relationship was great sex-wise. But now we're entering into year 9 of
slim-pickings.
Also, I'm into things I could
never ask my wife to do so I feel really oppressed. We've been going to
marriage counseling for over a year (we both had some post-partum blues
after our son was born and sought help) and we only touch on sex now and
again in the sessions. So that's not helping.
I'm
embarrassed to say this, and my wife doesn't know or appreciate this
fact, but masturbation has been keeping me going and maybe keeping me
faithful.
I never have cheated on my wife. But
last week for some reason, I got an idea in my head and started reading
through the casual encounters on craigslist. That led to me posting an
ad. And now I've been getting responses and chatting. I actually have a
meeting set up for next Tuesday.
I don't know
if I'll go through with it or not. I shake when replying to these
people. I have a lot of body issues but I'm able to tell these girls
upfront and they accept my perceived flaws (and that kind of acceptance
excites me). Just not sure what to do. I am at a serious crossroads. And I am well aware I put myself in this situation.
Do I cheat to feed my urges or do I keep living my same empty, vanilla sex
life? It's not going to get any better in the foreseeable future - not
with a baby. And despite asking and suggesting other things she can do
besides vaginal intercourse to get me by..she doesn't.
Ask Abbie Answers:
It's a good sign that you're in marriage counseling. You need to
bring up sex in your sessions. Don't wait for the therapist or your wife
to do it. You're in therapy to work through the issues and the lack of
sex and intimacy is an issue for you. You have to address the emptiness
you're experiencing. You said the sex during the first 2 years of the relationship was good. During the first 2 years of your relationship, did
your wife do the things (other than vaginal intercourse) that you want and then suddenly stop?
Did something happen between you and your wife at that 2-year mark?
Perhaps something happened with her? She may be depressed. Her
postpartum depression may never have fully gone away. Ask her about
that. If she doesn't want to talk about it or gets defensive when you
bring it up, bring it up in a counseling session -- the therapist might
have a way of getting to the root of the issue.
Has your body issues affected your sex life? Are the
sexual things you're requesting of your wife indicative of your body
issues? Masturbating is nothing to be embarrassed about. People who are
happy with their sex lives masturbate too so that's not anything for you
to be ashamed about. It's providing pleasure and a release for you.
* * *
If you have a dating & relationship, sex, fitness, health, nutrition or body image question, send it to AskAbbie AT abigailekue DOT com or fill out the form on my website About page or Written Word page.
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